09/09/15 Calling All You Crafty Bitches

Do you have the ability to turn five pounds of silk flowers, straw and styrofoam into a wreath?  Can you make cookies that look like people, Christmas ornaments that look like heirlooms, and folded napkins resembling origami swans?  I hate you.  (Not really hate, more like envy.)  I have no crafty bone in my body.  My skills are so remedial that the sheer act of wrapping a gift has people remark, “Oh how sweet that you let your son wrap this” (when he was two).  It is a cluster fuck of glue, sequins, and felt if I try to make a kindergarten project.  I would flunk preschool nowadays for sure.  (I think they are required to actually do CAD drawings in preschool now.)  McGyver can make a shopping mall out of a Q-Tip and a toothpick.  I can make a really big mess.

It is the time of year when Michael’s and all of the other craft stores fill my mailbox with sale circulars on silk foliage, wicker baskets, ribbon and fabric.  My neighbors come out every year with a new Broadway production (wooden scarecrows, bales of hay, carved pumpkins, stalks of Indian corn, and a “Happy Autumn” sign last year).  My doorstep has a week’s worth of Ad-Paks and a recycling bin.  It is not that I do not adore the holidays, quite the opposite.  And I am not such a minimalist that I have one holly sprig on the door at Christmas.  I just have to pay other crafty people to make those things.  And sometimes the budget for decking the halls falls a little short.  So I trot out last year’s wreath, plastic pumpkin (with an electric light in it to avoid the candle kerfuffle; brilliant!), and inflatable snowman.  It is not a new pageant every year, but it works.  It says, “I cannot make a transom cover out of pineapples, oranges, apples, and pomegranates, but I love the holidays as much as the next person.”

So craft on, Bitches!  Make Martha Stewart proud and shame the rest of us store-bought schleps into our dusty storage closets for something that we can get one more year out of and not tempt the neighbors to report us to the Homeowners’ Association for some sort of bylaw violation (ugly decorations are punishable by fine, I am sure).

Come by my place for Halloween.  The pumpkin is fake but the candy is real.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s